For the 2nd year in a row I decided to watch the NBA playoffs. At first I wasn't going to, I forgot what I was upset or nervous about, but my husband encouraged me to go ahead; and just like last year I am very glad that I did.
Oh yeah just remembered, I was turned off by learning that teams would try to lose on purpose so they could get a higher spot in the draft.
Okay, that's it! No painful injustice issues down in my soul; you know why, because I've been staying away from the Internet world and doing the work to heal the wounds that are already there.

So...
I'm not going to name teams or player names, because that just keeps the memory and negativity alive, and when it comes to healing, pain, and all this, the names, dates, details etc are not what matters. My internal state is what matters; so I've learned to keep the energy on my internal state as I document my progress

Now that being said, I've also learned that healing doesn't mean I'll never get upset again; and so when I just did get upset about something, I paused, expressed myself to my husband, asked his views, breathed and stared a little bit...just saying, I guess just to release what was trying to swirl around in me.

Everything to me is viewed through a lens of racism. It's not being emotional, it's totally factual that this is the type of world we live in, and racism does not turn on and off like a faucet. Whether it's millionaires or struggling low wage workers; it is there.
So along with a billion other things, I don't like fandom and I'm very cautious about what I expose myself to.

Now back in the day before the Internet, it was so much easier to be okay because if I didn't hear or see something with my own eyes, then it was not going to enter my life; as in there were no 24/7 replays, evaluations, debates, podcasts, and all this other mumbo jumbo noise.
I hate it all.
And it has all helped hatred grow.

So okay, just cuz someone a "fan" doesn't mean they're not waycist. And just because there are thousands of "fans" gathered, again, doesn't mean their actions are related to sports.
So I despise excessive boos towards one player and crowd chants with all those yt ass terrorist ass hate mongers.
Now when a player goes to the free throw line, they are doing chants that the announcer wrongly said is about fandom but no, it is not.
"Flopper" is the word, and it sounds sportsy, but it is not.
I don't care which team I'm rooting for, I hate all the crowds and they deserve to be slapped and silenced.

HALO
So I realized; my husband agreed with me and said I wasn't being too sensitive. (I want to remember that sensitive = extremely aware and not 'weakness' like how I used to think it meant). Like, a skin sensitive to sun is a way to look at it!

Well, I doubt my husband would take it as far as the violence part, lol...but those feelings didn't stay within me long. Just a few seconds, and that is so major because usually, being triggered would take over 

So I noticed this new ability, to still see the injustice in something, to still hate it, to not accept nor brush it off...yet....
To not feel it trying to kill me

I visualize myself putting that sacred rage in a box; with other injustices that are poison,
deadly and don't belong inside of me no matter how real they are

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Dang Donovan, I was really rooting for him because not only is he gorgeous as hell, damn that man so fine; but even better he is engaged to Coco Jones!!
A beautiful, lovely Black woman. (I be wanting to make the hate-mongers mad but once again, gotta stop that)

So I've also been doing better regarding being disgusted based on who these men are married to.
They are a very small sample of Black men; they are just highly visible, but guarantee statistically other very successful Black men are married to Black women. It's just those in the sports and entertainment are the most visible and the only ones that are famous, so it has always been like in your face, in my face, just gross but once I sit and heal my own wounds it helps me to evaluate things more accurately. Now there is no question about famous men choosing partners who don't look like them, but I'm saying as it comes to personal growing, healing, blossoming and elevating my mind and spirit way beyond just this surface, shallow level information 

The fancy dresses, bright lights, money and fame, all the cameras and crowds are external, shallow sources that make it seem like whichever particular man's partner is so much more important than the average well, Joe lol. That's why it would hit so hard to see the famous men with partners who look nothing like them, their mamas or me. I have always been that way, but it got so much worse with the Internet as opposed to back in the day when you would barely see their wives but you still knew what was happening because it is a part of all the entertainment world

That's not deep though. That's not sincere, that's not health, that's just history and systems. No doubt, but cleansing is about thinking and feeling on a higher level 

Take away the cameras though! And what's left? 
They don't have anything more special than the family I grew up in, and the family I have now.

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And I usually would worry about trying to uplift other Black women, and post things on social to help spread positivity to counter the hate, and just on and on. Man please!!
This progress has come from years of working on myself. Only via healing my own personal wounds was there a ripple effect of being able to release the external wounds placed there by the world. 
So basically, ain't no content I can post is gonna ever be able to do the work that people have to do themselves. It's not my responsibility. I'm no one's teacher or healer.
And plus, we all have a million different reasons and pain as to why we arrive at the same trauma bonding narratives. I'm only responsible for my own, not my race.
So thus, with this sentence:
They don't have anything more special than the family I grew up in, and the family I have now.

I initially typed: "They don't have anything more special than the average Black family.
And then I thought about it...that's an old, harmful defense mechanism and trap of carrying my race on my back.
Don't don't don't! 
The "average Black family" could be in total disagreement with the way my spirit works when it comes to equality, so no, I don't need to be including people and groups I don't know in my mind anymore.
So much more to say...my arm hurts though, I need to stop typing for now