When I started my therapy and healing journey I never realized that "beauty" would be the primary theme in my young life stories, but it is.
I never had the chance to feel like a beautiful girl based on my own terms and in my own eyes, before I started receiving adult-level comments and attention related to my appearance. 
And being easily noticed by people also came with an intense level of cruelty and criticism for doing nothing but simply existing like any other kid.

Along with developing life-changing Complex-PTSD, I was also a sensitive and soft-spoken kid, who was always analyzing painful rules of the world in ways that went way beyond my age.

Thus, I kept trying to figure out the conflicting and chaotic emotional development that came with being considered beautiful in my own small world and short-lived experiences, versus the world's idea of beauty.

So, though our beauty can be praised in smaller, intimate settings, I really needed to see women who looked like me being praised on a big stage, in front of the world. 

⁉️Where Are the Women Who Look Like Me?

She will forever hold a special place in my teen heart that will never take for granted how special it was to see a lady who looked like me being adored in a wholesome manner.

I used to love when the male hosts got ready to introduce KiKi Shepard because I knew they were going to acknowledge her natural beauty in endearing ways that gentlemen should.

And girl, those gowns! Her figure, her height, the jewelry, her hair...
And what I now realize is even more of a treasure than those external qualities mentioned above: was her smile, her warmth, her care for the contestants, her connection with the audience, her chemistry with the hosts, her elegance and overall presence.

Those are the rare and precious qualities that don't fade, can't be faked, can't be scripted, and can't be pre-packaged into cookie-cutter beauty standards.

So I now realize that, more than me desperately needing to see more women with my hair and complexion being praised for their physical beauty on TV, I really was also longing to see their nurturing and softness beyond just physical beauty.
These type of women existed in my reality, and it made no sense that my reality had to disappear once I turned on the TV, or opened a book.

💖Kiki and Me: Beauty + Presence
Hollywood  and the media are the same entity, and while they control what is seen, they can never control what is felt.

That is why her beautiful impact has stayed within my teen heart after all these years.
KiKi Shepard's type of presence and impact on people doesn't fade with time.

As for me, I can say the same thing.
I no longer have men making statements like,
"I feel like one of the luckiest men in the world to be standing next to such a pretty woman" while I'm just standing in a pharmacy line lol.
I used to be so shocked and confused when men would romanticize me like that, because they would not even know a single thing about me.
I've recently learned that being young and looking young drew in that level of attraction that really was just surface level

I'm 49, but the special presence that impacts people, that still remains with me. Without trying to be, I'm still a people-magnet, but only the good attention now

✨✨✨
Once It's Showtime at the Apollo ended, I didn't get to spend my Saturday nights with Kiki Shepard anymore but I know she was still able to have a positive, joyous connections with people who were lucky enough to be in her presence.

So again I ask, "Where are the women who look like me?"
We have always been here, and always will be.
But healed, this time.