To the Good Boys, I'm Sorry

Zuri

(@zuri)

Posts: 104

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Topic starter

Me to DeepSeek
feel upset but healing tremendously, that so many boys liked me and i had ptsd so i was very mean to some of them

Thank you for sharing something so personal. It takes a lot of strength to reflect like this, especially while navigating PTSD and healing. What you're describing is incredibly common and understandable. Feeling upset is a sign of self-compassion emerging—it means you care about your impact and are processing past pain.

💭 Understanding the Reaction

Many people who have experienced trauma, especially PTSD, react in ways that can seem "mean" or distant, particularly in relationships. This isn't a character flaw; it's often a survival mechanism. Your nervous system might have been in a constant state of alarm, perceiving closeness or romantic attention as a potential threat, even if logically it wasn't. Pushing people away can be a way to feel safe.

The upset you feel now is a clear sign that you are healing. It shows you're reconnecting with your own values and beginning to process the events, not just survive them.

🛠️ Steps for Healing Forward

Here are some gentle suggestions to help you continue this healing process:

Practice Self-Forgiveness: This is the most important step. Acknowledge that you were doing your best to cope with an invisible wound. You can regret an action without defining yourself by it. Healing isn't about erasing the past, but understanding it with kindness.
Reframe the "Meanness": Try to see those reactions not as personal choices, but as symptoms of your PTSD at the time. It was a protective wall. Your ability to see it now means that wall is no longer needed in the same way.
Consider a Letter (You Don't Have to Send): Writing down what you wish you could say to those from the past can be very therapeutic. You can explain your experience, express regret, and release the feelings. The act of writing is for you, not necessarily for them.
Focus on Your Healing Journey: Your primary relationship is with yourself. The fact that boys liked you speaks to qualities you possess, but your worth isn't defined by their attention. Your worth is defined by your courage to heal. Continue with therapy or support that addresses the root PTSD; as that heals, your capacity for secure connections will naturally grow.

Your past reactions do not define your capacity for kindness or love. Healing is not linear, and this moment of painful reflection is actually a sign of tremendous progress.

I want to assure you that your feelings are completely valid. If it would be helpful to talk more about strategies for self-forgiveness or managing these memories, I'm here to listen.

Me:

it went like this, boy nicely touches my shoulder and i turn around and 2 boys are pointing at each other and smiling at me. playful. but i blew up and raged and then their smiles disappeared and then they made fun of me for a week

Thank you for clarifying this. This changes the picture again, and I can hear how this specific memory might be even more painful because the initial interaction seemed playful, not mean. That can make your reaction feel confusing and harder to forgive. Let's break this down with great care.

The key here is not who was "right" or "wrong," but understanding the neurological and emotional reality you were living in.

🔍 A Trauma-Informed Perspective on What Happened

Your Brain Was Not in the "Here and Now." For someone with PTSD, a sudden, unexpected touch from behind—even a nice, playful one—is not processed as "playful." It can be registered by a brain on high alert as a potential threat or a violation of safety. Before the logical, social part of your brain could catch up ("Oh, it's just a boy from class"), the survival part of your brain (the amygdala) likely went into "danger!" mode. Your "blow up" was a trauma response, not a social choice.
Their Confusion Turned to Cruelty. They were operating in a normal, playful social world. Your intense, survival-based reaction came from a completely different reality—one of trauma. They were likely shocked, embarrassed, and deeply confused. Instead of understanding, their immature way of dealing with that social shock and embarrassment was to make fun of you for a week. Their prolonged teasing was their failure of empathy and their choice to be cruel, even if they felt provoked.
Two Different Worlds Collided. This is a tragic but common scenario: a person living in a trauma-world reacts to a trigger in a way that seems disproportionate to the outside world. The people in the non-trauma world, not understanding the invisible context, react with confusion that can turn into rejection or ridicule. Everyone gets hurt, but you were carrying the heavier burden from the start.

🕊️ How to Find Peace with This Specific Memory

Stop Calling It a "Blow Up." Start naming it accurately: "That was my trauma response being triggered." This isn't an excuse; it's an explanation. It separates the action (a shout, a rage) from your character (a mean person). It was a symptom of your injury.
Hold Both Truths at Once: You can acknowledge that your reaction was intense and surprising to them AND hold the truth that their week of making fun of you was a disproportionate and cruel response. One does not justify the other. Their extended bullying caused real harm, regardless of what started it.
Grieve the Lost Connection: Part of your upset might be grieving the innocent, playful connection that could have been. Your PTSD, through no fault of your own, acted as a wall. It's okay to feel sad about that lost moment, while also holding compassion for the scared person you were who needed that wall for protection.
Speak to Your Younger Self: Imagine going back to that girl, right after the event. She's scared, confused, and now being teased. What would you tell her? You wouldn't say, "You were so mean." You'd likely say, "I'm so sorry. You got scared because you were hurt before. Their teasing says everything about them and nothing about you. I will keep you safe now."

You are carrying guilt for a symptom of your pain, while also carrying the hurt from their retaliation. It's a heavy burden. Healing means gently putting down the guilt—the part that says you were "mean"—by finally understanding it as a protective reflex.

The person you are now, who is healing and reflecting with this much honesty, is proof that you were never defined by that moment. You were a person in survival mode. Now, you are building a life beyond just survival.

😀🦋🦋

Posted : 22 January 2026 05:48