FB version, I needed to hurry and post so I could take a break from social. Not that I use it much at all, maybe 20 minutes a day but I still need a break. It's so maddening first of all, the injustices going on but then also even with all this going on people still be messy and nasty in comment sections, unprovoked over stuff that ain't go tnothing to do with them. Just crazy stuff they pull out of thin air, like weird ass no life MFers.
Okay, see how quickly I start lose my temper? Crazy ass people, I keep comments off but I know that's not something everyone wants to do especially public figures. I dont have the answer but things are sickening out of control

Part of my healing work is learning to separate stressful encounters from truly predatory ones.
I know it seems minor because I thought this was all just regular life, that's why I never said anything to anyone

Through therapy I learned that men overwhelming me in public spaces, especially since this started when I wasn't even a teen yet, took its toll

It's never been flattering nor does it make me feel cute. It's always been a combination of all types of terrible feelings.
Things like:

--I was even at home this day, went to check the mailbox, guy visiting at a nearby house goes "Damn you look too young to be at home by yourself."
Me: Rolling my eyes, I'M NOT YOUNG. 🤣I'M IN COLLEGE.

Him: But are you home alone?

See, what the??? No wonder my nerves were shot because of eerie comments like that starting as a kid

So with this story below, it now makes perfect sense to me why I shut down.

Note: Thankfully they weren’t aggressive or vulgar. Their tone was more excited and immature than sinister, but it still completely overwhelmed me until I shut down.

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I was heading to the campus library. When I pulled into the parking lot, I noticed about 4 men doing maintenance work on the nearby building. To get to the library door, you have to park on the side of the building and walk across the grass — it’s not a straight pathway or anything; kind of hard to explain.

I remember thinking, "Okay, this might be awkward, but I’m going to push through. I can’t keep hiding. And plus I’m not even that close to them so they might not even notice me."

I got out my car and took just a few steps from my car and then it began: they started yelling like they were at a football game or something.

“Heyyyyy girl! Hey! Yeahhh, hey!”

There are 3 or 4 dudes yelling at one time so I couldn't make out too many words, plus, I was nervous and uncomfortable.
The relieving thing is that I locked in on their tone of voices and they were not vulgar or aggressive. They just really wanted me to look their way like it was a competition or something.

I was too nervous to be scared, but since no other students were around, I felt so alone in that moment. 💔

I just all of a sudden stopped walking.
My mind was so overwhelmed I couldn't even move for a few seconds. I was looking at the library entrance which seemed like it kept getting farther away.

I was thinking "I cannot take this anymore."

I was also thinking: Okay if I go in the library I'm eventually gonna have to come back out the same way. Since I was only half way from my car it was definitely better to just go back to my car.

So I turned around, and got back in my car and drove away.

I remember feeling so mad (rightfully so) when I was driving away. I was thinking, "can't do nothing without being watched and harassed."

While this was definitely harassment, and there's never an excuse for that type of behavior, I have learned that healing is better when I don't group every experience in the same category and also better when I can understand why I react the way I do