I'm extremely grateful for my improvements and my therapist said it's only been 2.5 years of healing and I've made remarkable progress. That's nice!! But I don't want the pain. I'm so tired of that. I thought that my heartbreak and pain would decrease when I learned about any injustice. I avoid as much as I can, but let a story slip through the cracks and I'm devastated and hurting all over again.

I want and need to be able to process these tragedies in a more normal way, though there is no 100% textbook way, I know for sure that people like me, people who take all these Black tragedies the way I do, we are usually not doing good at all. It gets to us where we can't function in our daily lives.

Now, I would be still spending time with my daughter and family and crying where they can't see me. But I'm talking about how the world moves on and continues with everything, nope, the people like me, we do just enough to be awake and try not to scare our families half to death.
Some of us hold on just because of our families and not ourselves.

So that's bad, really really bad. And for the other moral, compassionate good people who hurt about these tragedies but they don't get as messed us as some of us others, those are what I call "normal."

So basically I want to be normal!! I don't want to feel like every Black tragedy that I accidentally find out about, or every Black previous tragedy, is going to have me fighting to stay here. I'm so tired of that.

This is what I thought healing would be like:
+Okay, wow, I see the problems in my past that made me this way
+Let's make peace, have closure with those incidents
+And now I'm okay!!!!!!!!!!!

Sheesh it's like, why go through the confusion of reliving all your own past trauma if it can't automatically help you with current day life.

Yeah I'm mad.

I know my therapist says it's because the brain takes time to adapt and rewire and adjust. Our brains have their own way of keeping us safe based on our past experiences and the brain wants us to survive so it can't just automatically go back to default mode, a clean slate.
But damn I wish it could. Just being honest, man!!

Pulled up all my life stories, gotten closure with many, gotten confused with some, just on and on, either way, it hasn't helped take away the pain of injustice against Black people.

I will say this though, regarding Kyren Lacy, the latest and hopefully last case to mess me up so badly, I will say some major improvements have been:

1)This tragedy did not bring back all the hundreds of other tragedies that usually come flooding back in my head. Usually, one new story would bring back all the other injustices, including ones before I was even born. Not the kind of resurrection we want

And when that would happen, it would just continue to be me drowning in life after life after life after life violently gone simply because of their skin color. It turns into grieving for the lives on a mass scale since it is all related to a mass scale, global, historical....see how fast that built up!!!

One case brings all the histories back. Not hundreds of years but thousands.

So I have to acknowledge that my heartbreak over beautiful K. Lacy stayed centered on him and didn't explode to all the other infinite cases.
Just that alone helped me not go in crisis mode, though I still hurt so much. I guess I was able to manage it, but I don't want anymore hurt to manage.

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Had Awesome Day, Now Crying with Heartbreak – Healing in Progress – Healing & Halos Art Gallery Forum

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