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I'm truly much better, totally better about the skinny comments. But I guess I just needed to get it out. So I posted this on FB...Aug 31st, 2025 and I wanted to appear sensible and calm but I was so damn mad, I wanted to say:
EVERYONE WHO MADE RUDE COMMENTS OR JOKES ABOUT ME BEING SKINNY OWES ME A DAMN APOLOGY. Lol I was literally typing that out. Then I caught myself and later called one of my nieces and we laughed about it.
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Okay, so here is my restrained, "stay nice" post:
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If you knew me in college and made comments about how skinny I was, cause I couldn't get a break from everyone talking about my skinny problems.
So here's what no one knew
I now realize I had trouble eating because the root is that I was traumatized from having being targeted by aggressive men and boys, random public places starting at age 9 and lasting until age 26 (when I met my husband; being in public with a man helped deter those issues).
Most guys were respectful, gentlemen, I'm talking about the other side of things. I wasn't harassed everyday of course, and I was never hurt
but it was enough to where it ruined me. Everyone has had their stomach in knots and can't eat. Imagine feeling that way every single time you left your house. You ain't gonna be eating either 
[I was so f'in mad but put a laughing emoji here]
but it was enough to where it ruined me. Everyone has had their stomach in knots and can't eat. Imagine feeling that way every single time you left your house. You ain't gonna be eating either [I was so f'in mad but put a laughing emoji here]I was robbed of the chance to grow into my body naturally as that is already painfully difficult for any pre teen. In my pre-teen mind, my body was becoming a problem for me. I never blamed any of the guys I just blamed myself
I wouldn't be alone, I would be with groups of people...like I said in another post, understand that predators will be watching, they find a target, they keep watching and waiting for people to be distracted or for their target to become separated from the group and that is when they strike, verbally or physically.
At 12 my life was changing too fast. At that age hell I didn't know if I was still ugly or what lol. I'm just saying we go through stages where we think we're a little ugly but then you know it'll get better eventually lol.
One of several problems I had, was a 16 year old boy who was fixated with me. That's a lot to deal with. "Pretty as hell and gonna have a lot of boyfriends." That's not a bad comment but things escalated
Can I have time to start getting comfortable with my own looks? I'm glad my friend was out there playing Jax with me that one day where I said I'm going to be mean to him so he can hate me and leave me alone (didn't work) but I'm glad he saw that my house always had a lot of people
Speaking of hate, I definitely felt hated because I was being hit...random crazy situations. And I was having to fight one boy, thank goodness he was my age lol, he was determined to overpower me, bring me to tears and keep taunting me like I was trash.
He would win no matter how much I defended myself. Someone literally had to save me one day or I don't know how far that situation would have went, he threw me to the ground during one of our fights and was trying to choke me but I kept blocking and pushing away his hands with my hands. Survival instinct.
We were happy to see each other years later. No hard feelings lol, I feel bad for him because I realize he was going through his own problems
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Lots of other similar issues on both extremes, I was also being hit, random incidents just crazy. So I ended up being nervous of any male attention, good or bad I couldn't tell the difference anymore. The bad guys messed it up and had me screaming at nice guys lol.
All this before I even turned 13, so my therapist said I didn't have enough time to recover and cope so my teen years were already ruined before they even started. Even with having a great family who was doing everything to help me get better and be happy again
So one summer when 12, I decided I'd stay in the house and stuff my face with food, so I could gain so much weight that it would make me stop getting attention that I wasn't ready for.
I gained 2 pounds and was so happy with that.
Anyway eventually the opposite happened and my appetite started getting lower and lower so that's why when I started college I was underweight.
Some experiences I had during my too skinny college years lol:
- I almost fell and my head jerked back when a man grabbed my arm one night and pulled me into his chest, "Why are you so beautiful." Holding on to my arm like that and making me look in his face. It's frustrating.
I pick up on energies so I know he was definitely the dominant type of man that already had like 5 women fighting over him. I know those types
-a man followed me to my car in the parking lot one day
-University campus, 2 football players just came from practice and saw me, they still had on their practice gear, SMH, I'm supposed to just go to your location because you said so? It's like these guys don't see you as a full person with a mind of your own
-okay that's enough, I'll stop there lol.
I told my therapist I cannot believe nor understand these types of men. And they'd be attractive themselves so they have plenty of women. I think those types are used to young girls getting caught up with "Oh he's good looking" and so these guys are very entitled and expect you to do what they say.
Men with status, attractiveness, charm, money, intelligence...have privilege and power in society and they know it. And some of them learn early on in life that they can do what they want when it comes to people like me, who are not considered worth being protected in society. (I mean, you got your family and that's it, lol)
And white men are the same way. You're an idiot if you think safety depends on race. A good guy is a good guy regardless of race and the same issues I had with Black boys and men I had with whites. To a much lesser extent of course because culturally I wasn't around that many white folk
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Anyway
Quote: "Professionals often say that trauma lives in the body—that your body literally holds onto those negative experiences, and over time, that tension and stress can turn into health issues."
Once I met my husband how about I started gaining weight because I could relax more and eat more.
My therapist talked about when he lost 15 pounds when dealing with anxiety, he talked about how anxiety (which everyone has to some extent) affects the stomach. And then we talked about my weight problems and that's how I was able to make the connections between trauma and weight loss
Anyway, I'm doing good 
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No I was not doing good. But about 2 days later, I felt a million times better! I also have a hard time posting these things on social media because I don't want it to seem like I'm bragging about being called beautiful because I'm still working on not feeling guilty for being considered beautiful. And at the same time, I'm not going to hide those facts and how it matters in my life
😀🦋🦋
Posted : 30/09/2025 4:54 am
