My hatred towards cruel people who bully people, remains out of this world. I was telling my therapist, since I've had tremendous healing and closure, the great thing is it takes longer for the hatred to build up to as bad as it used to be.
My healing breakthrough in late October has been absolutely life-saving; I have seen improvements in a million and one ways. However, if I'm in my thoughts regarding negative and hateful people, and I don't even have to be reading their crap, but if I'm just thinking about it then my rage starts to build up.
One of the only ways to keep these type of people far from and out of my mind, is when I'm not reading any news, articles, social media regardless of the topic. If I'm even reading positive content, my brain is still so activated in so many areas since it knows I'm in a sociable type of environment. Just the potential for negativity puts my mind on edge, slowly, even if I go weeks without reading anything triggering.
This is what has happened recently. I had been reading comments from people like me who are elated that some tramp voters are in their F around find out phase. I haven't been triggered, even when it came to reading people still defending tramp and musty.
The problem is, my brain is still keeping score like "You're in hostile online environments and though you've been doing great avoiding personally disturbing information, you can't change the environment you're reading this content in, basically anywhere online is tainted these days. Plus there's just an overwhelm of stimulation, even if it's content from people I agree with, it's still so so so many comments, likes, responses etc
I'm set to delete my FB, so I've mostly been on a subreddit called Leopards Ate My Face, and also the political portions in reddit. Most of the people share my views, but it's still so much to absorb, so much on the screen, so many different connections being made in my brain that when I do see something triggering, the hatred comes back strong because I had already been being "activated" for war or something even though I was primarily reading from people who agree with me.
When my brain is addicted to my calming activities such as Solitaire, coloring, match game, puzzles, word searches etc and I've stayed off any social sites and only turned on my computer to work on my site only, when I'm in that zone, and then the bullies come to my mind, they feel like a (harmful) ghost. They exist, but they are off in another dimension where their evil power is not strong enough to attack me. They exist and I know to stay away from the realm they are in. Their power over me is diminished enough to where I don't build up so much hatred and rage. So that's the best way I can describe it
However, if I've been reading too much, then those harmful ghosts get stronger and stronger though I don't notice it until I come across painful information. I was on IG and I pretty much stay in my Unrivaled basketball, WNBA players and women's gymnast world. I've been following Flau'Jae a while and I saw a depressing post from a page I don't follow.
Yet again someone was cruel and I swear I just hate this dj trash so much, I felt like I wanted to unalive them. And I had feeling that way for a few weeks, where I feel like I want to unalive bullies no matter how long ago they made their comments.
And this is cruelty that didn't even initially take place online, but in person, on TV...how can you do that to someone? God I hate these people!! So I've had my biggest set back since Thanksgiving because of how Flau' Jae was disrespected...again, I havent seen any justice served.
So yeah, this is another sign that I definitely need to stop reading even if I'm reading comments I agree with.
Hugs hugs and more hugs to Flau'Jae and her mother. 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
😀🦋🦋
