Posted on social media a few days ago, as I get ready to try my best to stay off social plus stay away from Googling these ladies’ names, and the names of other Black public figures who have been crucified for doing nothing wrong.
I’m so sick of it
————–
I have been struggling depression wise but I’m starting to pull through. The cruelty and injustice against Jordan Chiles has my stomach in knots, and feeling like I’m dying inside. I knew I should not have watched the Olympics; I had a bad feeling all along because I’ll never be over how they did Sha’Carri.
I had a therapy appointment Monday and I was so distraught over what they did to Jordan I could barely look at my therapist & I couldn’t even get my words out as it related to my own life. He saw I was too distressed to talk about some things in my past so he didn’t push me.
You can be the best in the world at what you do and racists can still come and steal from you. And celebrities who were there, other Olympians nor the country is not outraged enough for me but i’mma shut up because thinking about it doesn’t help me get better.
Let’s back up a minute. I was so normal and happy earlier in this year. The end of May, I saw some comments online that sent me to the edge. It’s basically all related to the treatment and disrespect of the Black WNBA women & how they should be grateful for “their savior.”
It’s no different than “Thank you master for being good to me.”
So from the end of May until the middle of July, everything started crashing down on me, from Emmett Tills, Trayvon Martins, Breonna Taylors, Tamir Rices, the unknown and unnamed, the slave ships…on & on.
Gruesome images.
-not able to sleep
-had to force myself to eat for weeks. I lost some weight, but I’ve got it back now
-I was inconsolable, no one could say anything to help me feel better and that’s very terrifying
-not wanting to wake up
-grief, sorrow, hopelessness and pain beyond what I could comprehend
If you can relate, please know that there’s always a chance you can get better and happy again.
I was sick like that for 8 weeks. I stayed basically “under a rock”….no computer unless it was for ordering groceries or my blog or something like that. So then I start to come around, come back from under my rock, and then see that there had been another police shooting…Sonya Massey.
(They happen every single day but it doesn’t make it any less painful).
It’s inconceivable. My therapist is white, but that hasn’t been a problem at all & I knew it wouldn’t be when I first met him.
But he be like…these injustices are too much for anyone to carry around.
Since I was a teen people be like “You’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders” and I’ve always been like…”How in the world are you all NOT carrying the weight of the world?”
Like my brain literally can’t get it and can’t process how most people don’t hurt in agony like I do.
I don’t get it and if you can relate, my therapist says it’s because we’ve experienced personal trauma. And trauma literally changes the brain. It would be nice if these school systems focused on this and stop making more trauma for kids but hey that’s another topic that doesn’t help me to go into
So, people be like “You can’t live like this, that sounds like torture.”
Me: I’m tired. And yes it absolutely is torture.
-And another terrifying problem is that I start to feel like a burden to my loved ones
If you can relate or know someone who can, here are some strategies that help me, since we can’t change this brutal world the least I can do is offer a little help now that I’m strong enough
—Don’t try to get better on your own. The healthcare system is completely broken but still always try, ask some people you know for referrals or something. Don’t try to fight this alone and also remember it takes baby steps. Therapy is not magical nor is medication magical.
They are just tools but so much more is needed
—Spiritual beliefs matter. It’s okay if it’s not Christianity. Find what works for and makes sense to you.
—Consider the effects of Ancestral Trauma. No, not the same as generational curses. Just like you can inherit, say being unusually gifted in math, or swimming or whatever, you can also inherit trauma.
It doesn’t matter that I was never a slave, it’s all still in my DNA. Plus I was born in the 70’s, all types of government level racial terror that were almost just as bad as slavery, were still happening. Still are to this day (we just got tricked for awhile thinking it got better).
I remember this elderly lady telling me how when night time came, Black people couldn’t be outside downtown.
How do you reconcile that? Even my therapist doesn’t pretend to have the answers.
—You also might be an empath, which I don’t even know much about but doctors keep telling me that’s what I am. It’s not psychological it’s more spiritual I think. All I know is I feel other people’s pain and bayby I’m tired of it.
As if I don’t have my own struggles and pain. I don’t know whose pain I feel. All I know is it’s smothering
******I was feeling hopeless in my last therapy session until he said I need to have a routine of all types of calming and soothing activities. Because I do have a ton of things I do, but it wasn’t helping enough.
He said it has to be on a routine, and also, don’t wait until you’re distressed to go walking, or listen to music or meditate or whatever, he say you need to do those things on a consistent basis so your brain doesn’t allow the trauma to take over.
He said I can’t be around here not functioning, he said that means the other side wins.
I’m like man, they have been winning for thousands of years though. But hey, I gotta be more hopeful 
and stop thinking of it that way
******The Internet gotta go! I cannot begin to recover otherwise. It’s like I gotta go back to however I kept myself busy and entertained and challenged before the Internet, that’s what I have to fill my day with.
And it’s hard because I’m dying to see that Jordan Chiles is okay and that there’s some type of justice so I end up checking online and that’s definitely a self-inflicting wound I’ve got to stop.
It’s not just social media, but articles, youtubers, podcasters etc all are absolutely abusive to Black public figures.
Something needs to be done. But then you have to remember that this is the purpose of Big Tech, to spread racism, chaos & hatred. Like, not a single person says anything negative about a single white/Asian athlete or celebrity but every time I log on I see what are definitely lynchings of Black athletes or Black celebrities except the ones who manage to stay under the radar.
This just can’t keep going like this, something has got to give. It puts my stomach in knots. And yes the lynching comes from the right wing, left wing, international and plenty of other Black people too.
So I’m proud of myself for letting go of my social media business pages because no amount of money in the world is worth giving my time, energy and talent to any of these racist platforms that delete my comments in seconds but still allow the racism, & also allow violence against children, to stay up.
One troubling thing is I told my therapist even when I stay offline for months, the comments still stay inside my head and I still feel hopeless.
He said it’s because the problem hasn’t been resolved. So even though you leave social media, if the reason you left isn’t resolved then you’re still going to be distressed.
Well, that’s not good to hear but it’s the truth.
So basically, it all has to go back to staying on routine and doing all my soothing, calming activities like art etc, to keep my brain focused on activities so the trauma won’t take over. He said eventually, the activities will take over my mind more and more and lessen the effects of the trauma.
So that’s the place I’m in; following a specific routine
I will definitely be okay & happy again. I been fighting for my life, I want my life back and I want to live.