So I'm watching someone about how to protect yourself from all the madness going on in the world. She mentions putting your hands together near your heart, and then lifting your arms up and then making like a semi-circle around yourself. It's based on your energy. It's about creating your own energetic bubble. Your own light. Choosing what comes in and what stays in.
My Halos. My Healing. (Always typed in blue)
When I am very sick in crisis mode, I know for sure that I had no boundaries separating myself from the world. I had no bubble shielding me and everything the world was throwing out, I was absorbing it and it was killing me.
I got this way because early in life, I had a beautiful childhood in my home, unfortunately for me, when I was out in the world my boundaries were not respected and were frankly shattered by so many harmful types of guys.
I had so many valuable and rare things working in my favor:
The best parents and siblings any child could want
Great friends and extended family
But unfortunately, I learned that "whatever ugly and evil that's out there in the world, will find its way to you."
There is no escape. (Except home. But you can't stay in the house 24/7 though sometimes it would have been nice lol. I tried sometimes lol).
Complex PTSD keeps you in fight or flight mode. So, no matter what the world was throwing out, particularly:
racism, colorism (=light as better because some people think colorism "goes both ways"😵😡 and I'm like damn, no it doesn't, nor does racism go anyway but one way), misogyny, misogyNOIR (Black women)
And each of those systems mentioned above are wrapped up and presented to us as religion and thus, fully accepted as right. And you're called all kinds of names for questioning and rebelling against the norm?
Fighting Against the World Since Age 12
It's maddening and starting at age 12 I felt like I had to fight against everything because these are unjust, violent belief systems of the world that will find their way into my personal life and crush my comfort and safety, just like what had happened to me so much in the past for example let's say, one angry boy deciding to take his anger out on me and I'd take my anger right back out on him lol.
All just a mess.
But now I have to continue unlearning "the hatred of the world will find its way to you." I have to continue to unlearn this survival and defense pattern. It has taken years to figure out how I got this way and it takes daily and I mean DAILY no exaggeration but DAILY training and strategies to get my brain to realize "hey you're safe now. Yes the world is as bad as you ever thought it was. That's no exaggeration; you're not wrong about it. However, get your boundaries up and the chances of your boundaries being crushed again are extremely low. You're not that beautiful little girl or beautiful teen and early 20's, super soft and tiny girl who attracted too much attention.
Girl you a bitch now...lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Naw, it doesn't even take that. All it takes is becoming an auntie or mom and you feel like a tiger who will eat anyone alive...chile ain't no predator types of guys gonna bother you. Typically, usually.
I'm just saying, of course there is always danger out there that anyone can be a victim of.
But my therapist made me realize the statistics and chances of bad things happening is what distinguishes people who have non-PTSD brains vs my PTSD brain.
Statistics dont matter to my PTSD brain. Every single case of injustice is a "see, told you you're not safe." And that's why I would take all those cases of racial injustice so very personally. I saw no difference between me and the actual victims Sandra Bland, Trayvon Martin, Michael Brown, little Tamir Rice and so on and so on.
but he made me realize that this is how non-PTSD brains work:
"I know the world is horrible, but that's the world. Not me. My life is separate from the news."
But for me it was always like:
The world is horrible and those horrible things find ways into my life.
Because it was true. But I have to spend each day focusing on activities that calm me and help my mind realize that I'm safe.
Social media is not an environment where I'm able to do that. Social media is of the world of course, the name says it...."SOCIAL" it doesnt get any clearer than that.
That's why if I spend like just an hour on social media I relapse but I don't relapse all the way back to beginning
----------
Going back to the lady's quote, I just really like how she said "Choosing what comes in and what stays in."
Well this forum is definitely my boundary. And I got spam control on to help control what comes in 🤣🤣🤣
😀🦋🦋
